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Listen My Son
St Benedict Speaks to Modern Fathers
By Dwight Longenecker
The gloom merchants might say there’s not much to celebrate this Fathers’ Day. Last month BBC Radio Four ran a programme which focussed on the ‘crisis in fatherhood.’ In the wake of feminism and huge changes in society men are uncertain and defensive about being husbands and fathers. The experts marshal a whole wave of statistical studies which give good reason for men’s anxiety. The statistics show precisely how the crisis in fatherhood is reflected in the suffering of society.
In the UK alone 800,000 children have no contact with their fathers. About 24 million American children exist in a home where father is absent most of the time. According to the statistics children without fathers are more likely to be abused, more likely do poorly at school and more likely to commit crime and end up in jail. Fatherless children are more likely to live in poverty, more likely to suffer from poor health and more likely to have their poor health untreated. The boys are more likely to have problems with sexual adjustment and the girls are more likely to be sexually active and become pregnant at an early age. Even when there is a father present, the quality of parenting is not good. According to some reports, 60% of children born in the 90's will spend a significant amount of time during childhood without Dad around. When fathers are present the average time spent with each child in a one to one activity is less than ten minutes per day.
While Christians tend to have a stronger commitment to family life in general there is plenty of evidence that Christian fathers are feeling the same lack of confidence as their secular friends. Yet fatherhood lies at the heart of Christian thought and practice. Not only is the fatherhood of God a bedrock of the Judeo Christian tradition, but practical fathering is encouraged at a profound level. In a recent dissertation Tom Beardshaw, founder of the website Fathers Direct, shows how fatherhood was intrinsic to both the religion and the society of the Judeo-Christian worldview. Other commentators believe human fatherhood is a participation in the fatherhood of God, but if the father in the family speaks with God given authority he is also supposed to show the self-sacrifice and compassion of God the Father. Saint Paul summed up the frustrations and aims of fatherhood when he wrote, ‘Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.’ (Eph. 6:4)
Feminism has been right to criticise abusive patriarchy and bad fathering, but bad fathers do not negate the need for good fathers. Indeed the present crisis in fatherhood demands both better fathering and the resources to enable modern men to approach fathering with confidence. Various organisations have sprung up to assist men to become good fathers. The Fathers Direct website offers advice, resources and networking for fathers. The organisation Families Needs Fathers works to raise awareness about the fact that children need both parents. They also work to overcome the gross injustice divorced fathers often experience when access to children is being decided. Australian Steve Biddulph—author of Raising Boys has been on a lecture tour of Britain promoting good fathering. Biddulph stresses the role the father has to play in helping the boy pass from childhood to manhood successfully. The answer is not in the extremes of either feminized ‘new man’ or in the traditional ‘drill sergeant’ approach to fathering. Instead the good father is both tough and tender, strict and loving.
In the midst of our twenty first century angst over fatherhood a voice from the sixth century offers a wealth of sane advice and practical spiritual counsel. The opening words of the Rule of Saint Benedict are ‘listen my son…turn the ears of your heart to the advice of a loving father.’ Benedict speaks as an abbot, and the word abbot is derived from the word abba—an affectionate term like ‘papa’ which Jesus uses for his father, (Mk.14:36) and which Paul says we are to use for the heavenly father. (Rom.8:15; Gal. 4:6) Benedict establishes a rule for a monastic community, but the principles he lays down apply to the ‘domestic church’ of the family as well.
Benedict’s instructions for monastic abbot could be a blueprint for modern Christian fathers. First of all the abbot-father is called to remember that he serves God in his role as father to the community. The natural father, like the monastic abbot has a divine calling. Like Benedict’s abbot the father must always keep in mind that he is the shepherd of souls. He has responsibility for the spiritual as well as the material well being of his children.
When it comes to leadership style the abbot-father ‘must show forth all good and holy things by his words and even more by his deeds.’ Blending the ‘new man’ and the ‘tough sergeant’, the abbot must ‘show the tough attitude of the master and the loving affection of the father.’ Benedict instructs his abbots to adapt their teaching and discipline to the needs of each monk. The unruly are to be reprimanded but the meek and obedient must be encouraged gently. This flexibility and sensitivity runs through every aspect of Benedict’s rule. The portrait of the abba-father is one of attention, patience and constant self-giving. He allows the individuality of each child to flourish while helping him by word and example to ‘prefer nothing whatever to Christ.’
Benedict’s rule is sometimes criticized for condoning corporal punishment. Its true Benedict allows beatings, but his overall emphasis is one of gentleness and compassion. While discipline is necessary for progress, Benedict insists that ‘nothing harsh, nothing burdensome’ should be imposed. ‘Disciplinary measures must be proportionate to the fault.’ Offenders must always be warned first, then warned a second time in the presence of another member of the community. If a monk cannot behave as a responsible community member Benedict’s basic sanction is isolation. Even when the offender is excluded Benedict is concerned for them, so the abbot must commission a ‘mature and wise’ brother to seek out the offender and comfort him.
These few examples indicate Benedict’s profound understanding of human psychology. When read as a model for Christian family life the rule gives profound and practical insights on ordering priorities in the home. It helps parents and children develop a healthy attitude towards work and possessions, gives hints on prayer and helps them direct ordinary life towards the praise of God. The principles and the practical advice are there, but for Christian fathers there is a deeper dimension to Benedict’s model. Benedict’s rule is profoundly incarnational. The Benedictine way encourages us to see each ordinary object, person and circumstance as sacred. Work and prayer are one; so as one tries to live according to the Benedictine vision the practicalities of life become the path by which we draw close to God. By applying Benedict’s rule to parenting our own struggles to bring up a family can become the stepping stones to sanctity. Good families don’t just happen. Success comes through hard work, and Benedict’s rule offers Christian parents a basic pattern to work from. We may not succeed in creating perfect Christian communities in our homes, but each effort will produce a small success, and each small success will be one more building block in a truly Christian home and culture.
Dwight Longenecker is the author of Listen My Son-St Benedict for Fathers. He is the father of four children and an oblate of Downside Abbey.
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