This article
first appeared in New Covenant
Magazine
Sorry Therapy
By Dwight Longenecker
The
children are fighting. I decide
to wade into the fray and break
things up. As soon as I ask what
is going on each child points
to the other and they say in
unison, ‘He started it!’ It’s
part of our wounded human nature
to blame somebody else for our
problems. The Garden of Eden
story makes the point all too
painfully: As soon as God finds
Adam and Eve and questions them
Adam says, ‘The woman told me
to eat.’ Then when God looks
to Eve she immediately blames
the serpent.
Blaming
others for our problems is a
natural response, but it is also
an immature response. Our natural
responses are usually childish.
We have to learn mature behaviour.
However, the immature response
of blaming others doesn’t always
look childish. Sophisticated
adults use all sorts of tricks
to shift the blame. When a business
fails managers blame employees,
employees blame managers and
everybody blames the executives.
Even when politicians and religious
leaders fall they blame conspiracy
theories or political enemies.
Some forms of counselling encourage
us to blame our parents for the
state we’re in. Social theories
blame our social environment
or our financial background.
Other forms of self-analysis
teach us to blame our education
or our lack of education, our
religion or our lack of religion.
Almost anything can be used as
a root reason for our problems.
Many
of our problems do have
roots in all these areas, but
healing doesn’t come through
attaching blame elsewhere. True
healing comes through owning
the problem. Secular self-help
programmes are good at helping
people own their problems and
decide to do something about
it, but one of their failings
is that they give the impression
that we can do something about
our failures and problems on
our own. If only we have a little
bit more will power and positive
thinking we can overcome anything.
Sadly most of us can’t. We need
outside input. The mature person
realises his problems are his
own, and that there are only
two people who can really do
anything about it. The first
person is myself and the second
person is Jesus Christ. As a
result, the best therapy and
the best problem solving technique
is to learn how to say ‘sorry’ at
a very profound level.
When
we go to confession we are getting
an excellent dose of inner therapy.
Confession works, and forgiveness
really does make us better. There
are three problem areas of our
lives which we can bring into
confession. We are usually conditioned
to ask forgiveness only for the
things we have done. But we can
also ask forgiveness for the
things we have left undone and
the things that have been done
to us.
When
we bring the things we have done
into confession we are taking
a huge first step away from the
immature behaviour of blaming
others. In confession we cannot
blame anyone else. We own our
faults and bring them to God.
It may be true that we commit
sins with mixed motives or because
of circumstances beyond our control.
All of our actions and decisions
grow from the complex condition
of our heart. God knows and understands
all that. Instead of analysing
all those other factors He wants
us to simply come into his presence
with the thing that’s gone wrong
and leave the rest to him. If
we hand it over in confession
often the other things get themselves
sorted out. Confession is like
the kind of weed killer which
you spray on the leaves of the
weed. In time it penetrates into
the pores of the leaf, moves
down the stem and kills the very
root. So when we bring outward
sins and problems to confession
the grace of absolution moves
deeply into our lives, killing
off those very roots of sin which
some forms of therapy continually
analyze and mull over.
Sometimes
I forget to bring to confession
the things I’ve left undone,
but in fact that area of my life
is where there is perhaps the
greatest sin. The things we have
left undone are symbols of all
that we could be in God’s final
plan. If we can only get a glimpse
of the glory for which we were
created, then we would also get
a glimpse of how far short of
that glory we fall. We were created
to be the infinite sons and daughters
of the King of Glory, brothers
and sisters with the saints and
co-heirs with Christ himself.
God intends for us to be perfectly
whole one day—shining with the
radiance of Christ. As we go
to confession we should always
remember that great potential
God has given each one of us.
Then we will see that our lack
of love and our lukewarm devotion
to God is the greatest problem
in our lives.
When
I was a minister I remember a
man named Steve coming to see
me, ‘You are always telling us
to forgive others.’ He said, ‘But
what if you can’t forgive someone?’
‘Who can’t you
forgive?’ I asked.
‘My friend Richard
was my business partner. He was
my best friend. Last year I found
out he was not only cheating
me out of my half of the business,
but he was having an affair with
my wife. I hate him and I can’t
stop hating him.’
As
Steve was talking a verse from
the Scripture
popped into my mind. ‘Who can
forgive sins, but God alone?’ Suddenly
I realised that it is impossible
for us to forgive someone in
our own power.
Therefore
when we come to confession we
should
also bring the things that have
been done to us. We don’t bring
them blaming the other person,
but asking God for the strength
to forgive them. In the Lord’s
Prayer we say, ‘Forgive us our
sins as we forgive those who
sin against us.’ But maybe we
should also understand that phrase
from the Lord’s prayer as meaning ‘forgive
us our sins at the same time
as we forgive those who sin
against us.’ With this in mind
we will bring to the confessional
the things that have been done
to us—whether ages ago by our
parents or teachers, or earlier
in the day by our boss, our spouse
or our family members. Then as
we ask confess our sins we can
also confess our inability to
forgive, and ask God to let His
forgiveness flow through us to
those who have injured us.
In
this way saying ‘sorry’ through
the sacrament of reconciliation
has a powerful healing effect
in our lives. Instead of blaming
parents or teachers or circumstances
or social factors we own our
problems and bring them into
God’s presence asking for his
help. When we do this the healing
is powerful and real. It reaches
right back to the roots of our
sin. It strengthens us to take
up the things we should be doing,
and it touches those who have
sinned against us. I remember
an old priest saying to me, ‘Confession
is a simple, humble and beautiful
sacrament. It is far more efficient
than psychotherapy. Its quicker
and its more painless.’ And then
with a twinkle in his eye he
added, ‘…and its cheaper too!’
Dwight
Longenecker used to be an
Anglican minister.
He lives in England where he
works as a Catholic freelance
writer. His newest book—St
Benedict and St Thérèse—The
Little Rule and the Little
Way is published in Spring
2002 by Our Sunday Visitor
