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This article was published by Columbia Magazine
Listen My Son – The
Rule of St Benedict for Modern Fathers
By Dwight Longenecker
When my seven
-year-old son is screaming and slapping what do I do? Do I wade in screaming and slapping?
Do I come down heavy with threats and retaliation? Do I opt out —letting
my wife deal with it? A sixth century monk has some very relevant
answers to the everyday challenges of being a Christian father. Saint
Benedict’s recommended form of discipline is isolation. Bad behavior
means the family member doesn’t know how to behave in community.
As a result he should be excluded from that community. So when I’m
confronted by a seven-year-old holy terror I keep control myself,
and isolate him. But in a spirit of conciliation and concern, once
he is isolated I ask his mother or a brother or sister to go and
cheer him up.
There are plenty
of good resources for fathering on the market, but many of them run
counter to Christian
principles. Others are full of fashionable ideas which haven’t really
been tested. I’ve spent a lot of time in Benedictine monasteries,
and in studying the Rule of St Benedict I’ve discovered some great
principles for the Christian home that really have stood the test
of time.
Saint Benedict’s rule was written to guide
monks, but it is not an Hih brow treatise on mystical prayer. Instead
it’s a practical manual for a peaceful community. The Christian
family is the essential Christian community, so you could say, the
family is a kind of monastery. Just as Benedict had to teach his
monks how to live together, so we need guidelines to help the Christian
community of our families stick together. Benedict’s wise and gentle
rule points the way for our own peaceful and harmonious family life.
St Benedict the Balanced
Saint Benedict lived in Italy in the sixth
century. It was a time when the Roman Empire had finally crumbled
and Rome itself was being invaded by the marauding Huns. In the midst
of collapsing institutions, moral decadence and social chaos, Benedict
established religious communities which were based on gentle discipline,
strict morality and a stable sense of order. His little cells of
Christian life consisted of about a dozen men or women living a simple
subsistence lifestyle which was given to manual labor, study and
prayer. Drawing on earlier monastic writings, Benedict crafted a
little Rule which lays down the basic principles of Christian community
life.
Part of the
rule consists of Benedict’s
instructions to the Abbot. The Abbot of the community is like the
father. Indeed the word abbot comes from the term ‘abba’ which Jesus
himself uses of his heavenly father. In Benedict’s rule the abbot
is the earthly father who speaks for the heavenly father. He is meant
to rule the monastery with a firm hand, but also with a sense of
self-sacrificial love and service.
Seven Principles for a Peaceful Life
Its
often joked that all a man wants out of his home is to have a peaceful
life. This usually
means the man cops out and avoids all conflict. The Benedictine way
to develop a peaceful home is to be pro-active and create peace in
the home. Benedict lays down seven principles which can help most
fathers build the peaceful and happy home they long for.
First of all,
each person in the family must be treated according to their particular
needs. Christian equality
doesn’t mean we all get the same thing. It means we all get what
we need. Benedict says the abbot ‘must adapt and fit himself to all…one
to be encouraged, another to be rebuked, another persuaded, each
according to his own nature.’ One child may need gentle encouragement,
another may need a tough regime.
Linked with
this flexibility is Benedict’s
second principle of good fathering. He says the abbot ‘must show
the tough attitude of the master, and also the loving affection of
a father.’ The father must balance the toughness of the drill sergeant
with the tenderness of a nurse. A wise father combines the strengths
of both characters while leaving the faults behind.
Thirdly, the abbot must lead by his actions
as much as by his teaching. It is an awesome thought that, in the
long run, children will do as we do, not as we say. Benedict reminds
the abbot that he too lives according to the rule and must be seen
to obey the principles he puts forward for others.
This can only
happen if the community lives in a constant spirit of forgiveness.
Benedict teaches the errant
monk to come to the abbot instantly to ask forgiveness, and the abbot
must forgive at the first request. He reminds his monks that they
must not ‘let the sun go down on their anger.’ In a Christian home
we cannot ignore the conflict and hope problems will resolve themselves.
The Christian Dad has the responsibility to wade in, solve the problems
and insist on mutual and real forgiveness.
Benedict places
much importance on the principle of obedience. The word ‘obedience’ has its root in the
meaning ‘to listen’ and all through his rule Benedict encourages
his monks to listen to God and to listen to one another. This sensitive
listening and awareness of the needs of others lies at the heart
of a peaceful community. In one of the final chapters of the rule
Benedict encourages his monks to obey one another in love. An attitude
of mutual service and attention in our families will help build good
communication as well as confidence and natural good manners.
Benedict deals
with the touchy subject of discipline in a surprisingly modern
way. Its true that he allows
for corporal punishment, but Benedict’s main means of punishing the
offender is to separate him from the community. In our own families
separating a child from a special treat or from the family activity
is usually punishment enough. Even this punishment, Benedict says,
must be done with compassion and a deep concern for the child’s welfare,
and never in rage or a desire for revenge.
At the heart
of Benedict’s wisdom is the
assumption that the Christian family is a community of prayer. Benedict
speaks clearly about the need for prayer to be natural and from the
heart. ’Indeed we must grasp that it is not by using many words that
we shall get our prayers answered, but by purity of heart…Prayer
therefore should be short and pure’. Every family will be relieved
to discover that Benedict says prayer is better short, sharp and
sincere than long winded and showing off.
The rule of
Saint Benedict is a treasure chest of practical wisdom on living
together and loving together.
Benedict’s rule is not instantly accessible to everybody, but his
principles are. There are plenty of books which make the bridge from
Benedict’s rule into ordinary life. Those who want more support can
probably discover a nearby monastery or convent which follows the
Rule of Saint Benedict today. Most of these welcome guests, organise
retreats and seminars on the Rule of Saint Benedict and the Benedictine
life.
Whatever a
person’s place in life, Saint
Benedict offers a ‘little Rule for beginners’. His practical principles
put us down firmly right where we are. Benedict believes God is to
be found here and now, not there and then. He is found in the face
of our wives and children. He is found in the terrible moments of
family life as well as the wonderful moments. Benedict helps us to
cope with the reality of life just where we are, and that is why
his wisdom remains as fresh today as it was the day it was written
over one thousand five hundred years ago.
Dwight Longenecker lives in England
where he works as a freelance writer. His book, Listen My Son is
a commentary on the Rule of St Benedict for fathers. Dwight is
married to Alison and they have four young children. He is also
an oblate of Downside Abbey.
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